i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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