Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
