saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
