Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
