if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
