Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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