yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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