Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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