I need to stop coming to work sober
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
