it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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