Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
