i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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