You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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