If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
