The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
