did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This beer is not sobering me up at all
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I am available for nakedness
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
