when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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