Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
