I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Send help, water and tortillas.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
