Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
