Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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