seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
