saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
