I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
