when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
