I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
