OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My cat gives me a boner
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
