mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
