I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
