You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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