Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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