My boss' voice literally gives me gas
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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