i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
