Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
