Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
