I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
