sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Alive.
So much puke
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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