That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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