my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
