I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
