You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
