I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
