is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
