I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
