Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
