This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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