Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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