I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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