How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
