She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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