I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
