cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
